COVER CHOICE; 2O WAYS TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL BANK ROBBER , SORRY MANAGER

Every business or profession has its sure fire tips for success. They are tried and trusted principles that have worked for those who have diligently applied them. Modern banking or bank robbery is no different. You can only succeed if you know the ground rules. National Weekender publisher, Al Humphrey Onyanabo, went to town for this exhaustive research. He spoke to banking experts, ex-chief executives, law enforcement agents, consultants and even some bankers who are currently guests of Aunty Farida. The masters can not be wrong.

If you are a banker, and you have an ambition to run a commercial or is it universal bank, it is a must read. It will guarantee that you become stupendously wealthy in the very shortest time. It high-lights the short cuts, the tricks, and the perks. It equally comes with an iron clad, money back guarantee, that you will end up in jail or exile, if you follow our advice to the letter. But why worry? Better men and women, have gone to jail in Nigeria and they came out celebrated and elevated. May that also be your story. No amen?
Don’t be selfish. Pass it on to your friends and colleagues. Introduce this site to your fellow banker friends and relatives. Enjoy.

1. BE SELFISHLY GENEROUS; PROMOTE YOUR NAME ABOVE THAT OF YOUR BANK
Forget about giving to the poor. To be a successful bank robber, you must learn the art of promoting your name with bank money. Build a hall in your alma Mater and name it after yourself. Build a library in another university. You are the managing director; nobody can fault your wisdom. Have a shopping cart of N1 billion. Six universities all bearing your name will be more like it, others will throw in honorary doctorates. Make a big deal out of it. Call the world to celebrate with a 20 page pull out in a national newspaper. You are a very big man in society, and you know the good thing, it is all part of community social responsibility, CRS.
It is also the easiest way to acquire a honourary doctorate.

2. BE VERY RELIGIOUS

Whatever faith you profess, make an open show of it. Let the world know what a devout Christian or Muslim you are. Attend a seminary or quranic school. Be an ordained minister, it can be part time. The dividends are legion. Religious folks like a bank robber, sorry, managing director who is very close to the Almighty. So be very prominent in religious matters. If there is a monthly retreat, by all means attend; let the cameras capture your presence. Get a front row seat. Start a banker’s fellowship. It helps to create a cult following. You are now a mentor.

3. BE POMPOUSLY ARROGANT
Flare up at the least distraction. It is a major pre-requisite for successful bank robbers - arrogance comes with the office. How to start? Believe you are a royalty, and everybody around you including depositors are your subjects. Why not? You control hundreds of billions; more than the budgets of over five states, and those small boys, state governors, are called your Excellencies.
Everybody needs a favor from you, so learn to frown always. Smile only for the press photographers.
Very importantly discard your old friends and relatives. Choose your new friends only from the notoriously wealthy.
Surround yourself with mobile policemen, at home, in the office, on the road, or even in the church or mosque. Trample on those who do not appreciate your new position.


4. DON’T PICK CALLS YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE
Success as a bank robber comes with its pains. One of which is unsolicited calls from small time customers or poor relatives seeking assistance for school fees, hospital bills or general welfare. Let your phones be permanently on vibration. You can’t be bothered with such nonsense. Whenever you see them, you can pray with them, for God to provide for them miraculously. Bank money is not for family charity.

5. BE A MASTER FORGER
Throw ethics to the winds. You write the rule books now. Perfect the grand art of forging documents. That is why Oyinbos made scanners and photocopying machines. You can do it yourself in the safety of your big office or you can have links with Oluwole boys to supply you with fake company incorporation papers, seals and others at a whiff. Why give loans to industries to grow the economy when you can give the loans to your self. You can use your sister in law or niece as a front for your fake companies. Start with small loans and graduate to the billions. What did they say about practice….? It makes perfect. Why wait? Who will question you? Who dares query the king… or queen? Baby, you’ve got it made.

6. APPOINT EXECUTIVE DIRECTORS YOU CAN POCKET
There are a lot of hungry, ambitious small boys in banking today. Pick from anywhere, even a community bank, (who is talking about experience. Loyalty is everything) and make them executive directors of your bank. Buy them two new cars every year; a house in Victoria Island or Ikoyi, paid family holiday abroad. And most importantly, give them unsecured loans; N5 billion is more like it. That will keep them busy speculating in stock or land.
It’s a small price to pay for their loyalty; they will ‘rubber-stamp’ all your decisions - the board can go to hell. Who do they think they are? This is your bank.


7. BE AWARD CONSCIOUS

Scan the Internet for award organizers around the world. Use proxies to consult them. Buy every kind of award on the planet. Cleanest bank, Internet ready bank, most advertised bank, most talked about bank, fastest growing bank, etc! Get the rating companies to give you any rating that the man on the street cannot understand. When you do, keep your advertising agencies busy running campaigns to celebrate yet another award.
N50 million is not too much to celebrate an award. After all, you are promoting the bank.


8. SECURE YOUR POWER BASE WITH OTHER APPOINTMENTS

Lobby or bribe to be appointed or elected, which ever, as president of an association that will increase your visibility and prestige in the market place. Your fellow bank robbers must know how appreciated and important you are beyond your primary constituency. It helps.



9. CREATE YOUR OWN STYLE

Remember you have waited so long for this day. It’s time to live the good life. First things first. Create your own style. Be known for the quality of your suits or gowns or scarves. Everything around you must be expensive. If owning properties on Banana Island, Ikoyi at $1 million per plot is in vogue, by all means buy a plot there. Spend another $1 million sand filing and $3million building it. Buy a house in London. But stay at the London Metropole when you are there on business. If your wife needs to own a shop, build her a shopping plaza in the choicest part of town. Own the latest cars; buy a Rolls Royce for Sundays only.
Invest in expensive watches and pens. When your family flies abroad which is often, it must be first class and with British Airways. Even your six year old daughter must fly first class. So bloody what, if it is N1.2million! Make a formal complaint about a front desk staff who suggested she go on business class. Who is she to advise you?


10. MANIPULATE YOUR BANK’S STOCK PRICES
There is no law against this yet. Why worry? Your fellow bank robbers have become quite adept at it. It’s time to play catch up. Be creative. Pick some stock brokerage firms you can trust. Loan them a couple of billions without collateral. Give them N10 billion each to trade in your banks stock; all they need to do is to buy and sell your stock. Most of your friends use five stock brokers. Five seems a magical number, stay with it.

The constant activity will raise the value of your stock. Who is talking about stock manipulation? Don’t forget, your investors are only interested in dividends at years end. By all means strive to make them happy. Declare bonus shares, and your job will be secure. You will be allowed to loot the till in peace.

11. BE FRIENDLY WITH AUNTY NDIDI

Yes. Be very friendly with Aunty Ndidi. Don’t dare slight her. Show her proper courtesy. If she is a director in a company, be nice to that company. Be in her good books. Remember you need her each time you come to the stock market to raise some extra billions for your spurious expansion schemes. She will stand beside you smiling and say a few nice things about your bank. She has the magic wand. Aunty Ndidi knows how to create investor confidence. And you know what, she does not ask too many questions; she will not want to know where the other billions you raised, went. She is like an angel; she sees no evil and hears no evil. These are the kind of friends you need.

12. GIVE LOANS/OVERDRAFTS ONLY TO THE RICH

Don’t bother about making friends. All the super rich and the pretenders in society will automatically become your friends. You will be on first name basis with all of them. The super rich are one big family (when the going is good) .They will invite you to dinner at their posh homes and you can also attend all their extravagant parties. Life is good. Live it.

Alas, at a price! You must keep them happy with loans and overdrafts. Their big family names should be enough to secure the loans. Where did all the famed family fortune go? It’s not your business to know. In this town, the more you look, the less you see. You don’t want to be a social outcast, do you?

Keep your staff in check over loans to the rich. Sack any manager who harasses them over a default. Who do they want to attend your daughter’s wedding or your 50th birthday? Your poor relatives? Increase your overdraft limits to the rich. Just keep rolling them over. Don’t be bothered with such trivialities. You can afford to write them off. Banking is risk taking.


13. NEVER, EVER GIVE LOANS TO THE POOR
When it comes to loans or overdrafts to the poor, be very strict. You are a trained banker, do your job to the letter.
Place all kinds of obstacles in the way of any struggling businessman looking for a N1 million loan. They must show concrete proofs that they can repay the loans. Let your people promise them heaven when they are opening the account, keep them on a string for one year as they fund the account. When they seek a facility, make them sweat. Pile them with conditions they cannot fulfill; ask them for ancestral land documents, their grand mother’s marriage certificate…. Stress them so much that they run away and leave your bank alone.


14. FRUSTRATE INDUSTRIALISTS; NO LOANS, PLEASE!
These are the trouble makers. They are always complaining about interest rates in the news papers. How can they dictate how much interest you will charge for your overdrafts? Who is interested in 20 year facilities? Tell your people to frustrate them big time. Call in their overdrafts. Throw them into receivership. Send Mobile Policemen to shut down their factories - let them maim or kill anybody who obstructs them; throw hundreds of their workers into the unemployment market.
You are only doing your job, securing bank money.


15. HARASS YOUR MARKETERS WITH IMPOSSIBLE TARGETS
Deposits are everything in banking. They must keep coming in. Who else will bring in large deposits but your marketers? Employ only beautiful, shapely girls. Set very high targets for them... One of your fellow robbers has set a N500 million monthly target for fresh intakes. You can also do the same.
Be sure you employ only those with good family connections. If they have an uncle who is a commissioner, minister or governor, all well and good. Send them out to the street daily in sleek cars. Give them attractive wardrobe allowances. They are selling themselves and the bank. And they must look very attractive. No dress codes, please. Money has no colour. If they have to sleep with men to collect it, nko, what is wrong with using what you have to get what you want?

One last warning, don’t employ married women. They are bad business. Fresh marketers cannot marry until after three years. The dumb married ones must properly space their children - one every four years - maternity leave can be a big distraction.


16. BE AN EXPERT AT COOKING THE BOOKS
Damn the external auditors. It’s what they see that they know. Are they not Nigerians? Cook your books. Always make your balance sheet very attractive, be it mid or year end. Shred or hide all uncomplimentary stuff like non-performing loans, huge debt profile, and weak assets. Be very bold and imaginative. A criminal mind knows no limit.

Have a special team handle this task. They must be headed by an executive director… Pay back time? Of course, you all are partners in crime and progress.

17. COURT TRADITIONAL RULERS AND POLITICIANS

Royalty though you are. Remember a day of wahala always comes. Bad belle people are waiting to bring down successful bank robbers. Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.

Take my advice. Court prominent powerful traditional rulers. Buy them exotic cars, renovate their palaces or better still, site a project in their domain and name it after them. When the chips are down, you can run to them to put in a kind word for you to the powers that be.
Equally put some powerful politicians in your pocket. Donate to their campaign funds. Let them have access to overdrafts. Fund their A.G.O; importation deals. If they head a powerful committee in the Senate or House of Reps, better. Pick people who can stand on the floor of the house to raise your case as a matter of urgent national importance or even demand a committee hearing to ruffle the other side. Bank money is at your beck. Use it as you desire.

18. ALWAYS HAVE A BAG PACKED
Remember the words of the great Zik of Africa, ’nothing is permanent.’ As you
dip your hands daily into the till to satisfy your every whim, also have a bag

Packed for good or for bad. Most often, as guest of Aunty Farida . But not to worry. They will shake you for a few months, insult you to no end, dehumanize you, and make you sign away most of your loot to the government and more.
But don’t worry you have loads of cash. Your matter will soon be yesterday’s news. You can enter into politics; be a godfather. Life can never be boring for you . In Nigeria, when money talks… Bullshit walks… We are a very forgetful race.

19. PLAN A LIFE IN EXILE

Successful bank robbers know their crimes will catch up with them some day. If you do not like the smell of our jails, prepare for a stint in exile. Any bank robber worth his salt knows how to hide millions of dollars in safe heavens, the Bahamas , or cayman islands and of late the United Arab Emirate, so far away and secret Aunty Farida and her nosey boys will never trace it.

If you are the religious type, you might categorize it as your ‘wilderness experience’. Every body has his. There are two ways to skip town even after you have been declared wanted by Aunty Farida - you can borrow the jet of one of your billionaire debtor friends, and there are many who will be too glad to help; after all, private jets were made for quick get aways . If that fails, you can use the famous NADECO route. Prof. Wole Soyinka has shown the path to many a dissident. He knows it like the back of his hand… I am not too sure he won’t give you a head butt instead. Try him any way.


20. NEVER ADMIT WRONG DOING

When eventually the long arms of the law catches up with you, play the villain. Claim your innocence at every turn. Heat up the bushes. Turn on your spin doctors, launch advertorials about a grand conspiracy to take over your bank and a few others. Play the ethnic card. Throw in some religion, or fake illness to gain sympathy. Rubbish brother Sanusi, a boy far your junior in banking. Where was he when you became a bank robber 15 years ago? He was busy pushing files at UBA. Divert the public from your crimes as a bank robber…… Remember this, if nothing else, Nigeria and Nigerians thrive on confusion. Use your war chest to ensure it, whatever it takes, cast doubts on the credibility of the system…. From Kirikiri, Alagbon or Okotie Eboh Street, you can still run things… Naija for life.


THE END.

AL HUMPHREY ONYANABO
234 80 2320 1073,
alhumphreyo@yahoo.com